CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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