when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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