Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
