Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
