sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hippo gnu deer
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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