did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
