I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
