Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
