I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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