I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
