I skipped work to stalk him.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
