It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
True strength comes from lack of pants
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
