Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Im part way to drunk.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize