6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
