I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Jerry, you need to find god
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
