I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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