Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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