Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
