Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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