you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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