saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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