dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
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I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
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Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
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