my phone needs a breathalizer
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
