This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
