Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
