I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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