Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Green mimosas i think yes
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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