the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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