i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
