All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
