hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
