dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
