I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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