I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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