Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Randomize
