oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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