1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
