TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
