then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
