Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
