i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
