Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I won't apologize to a one balled man
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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