you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
