chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
