The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
