I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
