too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
