She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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