So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
