the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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