P.S. I can't hear my feet
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
