Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
