Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
