I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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