her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
