I didn't shave. On purpose
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
