Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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