I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
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I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.