She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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