apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
